Holy Lizard Spit, Batman!!

Leave it to Paula Deen to bring me back into the blogging world. Some of you may remember this post I wrote a while ago about how much I DESPISE PAULA DEEN. I respect her as a business woman (sort of) but despise the way that she portrays herself (as a blue haired alien who talks like Scarlett and eats only butter, lard and the hearts of little puppies). And now she has announced she is a type 2 diabetic. FOR REAL??? Nah!! You mean those Krispy Kreme sandwiches ARE NOT healthy?? This is not only a big deal for me because I am a type 2 diabetic, but because my mother was too. Diabetes is a huge part of my life, hell, it IS my life. I’m pissed that she waited this long (3 years) to come forward with her disease. Now some of you might argue that even though she is a celebrity, she is entitled to her privacy. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Had she been promoting a healthy lifestyle and that aforementioned sandwich was on wheat bread, I may not feel the same. But because of the lifestyle and food she was promoting, and (to a point) convincing the rest of the world we are all blue haired aliens who talk like Scarlett and eats only butter, lard and the hearts of little puppies, I’m angry with her. Don’t even get me started on her drug endorsement…

Now, to the important shit I actually wanted to tell you…

After watching my mother lose her battle in 2008 from this disease I hit a point in my life in November where I knew I had to make a decision. Am I going to take care of myself, like I should, and live a long healthy life? Or am I going to do what my mother did and slowly wither away after years of uncontrolled diabetes. Well that ain’t gonna fucking happen.

As of December 1^st, I have lost 22lbs. I watch what I eat. I changed medications and I have limited my alcohol intake to 2 – 3 days a week. I stopped taking insulin and started a new medication, Byetta, in the beginning of December. I am sure you are all, please Larkin, tell me more!!! Funny you should ask, because I am about to pimp the shit out of this diabetes drug.

Byetta is not insulin. If you’d like to read what it REALLY is, you can go here. I am going to tell you what I understand about it. It was developed from the saliva of the Gila Monster. Some awesome scientist somewhere said to themselves, “hmm, the Gila only eats once every few months, so surely something makes his food digest slowly and makes it possible that the lizard survives…hmmm…” Because of this, it is sometimes referred to as "Lizard Spit" which I think is just fucking awesome. I inject it twice daily, up to an hour before each meal. The really cool part, it makes my pancreas work. It actually makes my body produce my own insulin (rather than injecting myself with insulin before each meal, like I did for years). It has aided in me losing weight and will continue to do so. The only negative side effect: Nausea and the occasional bad headache. I have projectile vomited several times. But it really takes some getting used to. And I have had to teach myself what I can and cannot eat on this drug. I have experienced blood sugar that is a little higher than I would like, but that all seems to be calming down and everything on track.

And on that note, I leave you with this… a gift of EPIC proportions, from the awesome Jess.

What did you get from work for Christmas?

I bet you didn't get Jesus themed generic chocolate candy from a very strange (but very nice...in a very scary overzealous Christianly kind of way) co-worker.....

I DID.

Also, in my little bag-o-goodies was this adorable little jar, complete with a top reading "Pour toi avec amour" (translated "for you with love"). Too bad I don't have that horrible cocaine addiction anymore, this would have been PERFECT for my mirror!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am not. I just like making fun of people who think I am evil because I have tattoos and enjoy drinking adult beverages with gay people with tattoos and I say 'FUCK YOU ASSHAT' a lot.

Happy Holidays!!!!

Oh no she didn't...

Well, HELLO there! I know it has been a hot minute since I have written but I have good reason. I HAVE A JOB!!! I started back in June, and today makes my 6 month mark with them. I’m at another law firm in Downtown Savannah. Except this time I have an AWESOME view, sadly though, not hot lesbian to take smoke breaks with. On the 13th floor (yes, 13, no, they didn't ‘take out the 13th floor’ as my brother-in-law thought…fucking idiot).

Windows on one side face east, down the Savannah River toward Tybee Island.

And the other windows face south toward Savannah. The bird is my friend Craven (named because Jessica and I couldn’t decide if he was a Crow or a Raven, hence Craven).

In other news…Catie (the sister/cousin) FINALLY got married. They have been together for 8 years and have a beautiful baby girl, Brooklyn (the little milk chocolate bundle of adorableness standing in front of the Bride). And no, we did not kidnap some random young black girl, that is one of the Groom’s nieces. (That's me, just to the right of the Bride, I was the Maid of Honor).

Master Wog and I still going strong. Just celebrated our 7th anniversary last month. AND he got contacts and a NORMAL beard. So handsome.

Last month also marked the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s death. And today would have been her 49th birthday. It has been rough, but I know she is probably dry humping Patrick Swayze right now, so my mind is at ease.

We also lost one of our cats back in July. We had no choice but to put Flea down. But I am positive that Mom is taking care of him (in between Swayze humpings, of course). This is my most favorite picture of Flea, he was sunning in my reading chair.)

Other than all of that, we took in a stray in June. And by stray I mean my forty something unemployed uncle. At first it was lovely, he helps cook and clean, BUT he has a move out deadline of December 30th. We can’t take it anymore. No extra play money, and there is always, ALWAYS a third wheel. How in the hell are Master Wog and I supposed to boink in the living room in front of the fireplace like savages if there is a grown man sitting there watching the National Geographic Channel and insisting that he knows a guy who knew a guy who was in Africa and killed the mother of the elephant that was just on TV with a sling shot from 100 yards away... Right...mmmhmmm...sure...

I sure do miss sharing all of my drunken, stupid, meaningless, idiotic and HI-larious stories with ya'll. My goal is to return like I never left. So, here I am!!!! Now buy me a drink.

TAG!!! I'm it!

It seems that Jess tagged me.

The Tag? "What have been your fashion faux pas?"

ME?!?! NO!! I have NEVER made a fashion faux pas. Ok, well maybe that one time...

As Jess said, I do enjoy fashion. but not in the crazy skinny model wearing a grizzly bear with a top hat and holding a golf club kinda fashion. I just pay attention to what I am wearing. I like to coordinate. I like to make sure that everything is tucked in and where it needs to be.

I searched through my computer for proof of any fashion fuck up....I found these.

I may have reconsidered this flowery dress, but I have a feeling mom would have bitch slapped me for questioning her floral judgment. For fuck's sake it was 1995.

(I am second row from the bottom, second from the left. Yes, that one.)

And then I found this. If my boob wasn't being attacked, I may have reconsidered this rainbow tube top. But then again, I wore it for the Gay Pride Festival in Savannah.

One thing I will never reconsider wearing is this shirt right here. Just in case you can't read it, It says 'HONORARY LESBIAN'

Yessir.

The Burn: 1 Year Later

March 27th marked one year since my heating pad tried to kill me.

Some of you may remember this post.

And this one. (Queasy tummies BEWARE, it aint pretty).

Or maybe this one: (Again, BEWARE).

And I think this is the last one I posted of my dear Burney.

The burn healed sometime at the end of July. I then lost my job in August, therefore, fell off the radar.

It has since been a little over a year since my leg healed. Behold, the scar.

A little size comparison for your eyehole.

Now, go sit and think about that. Any why you should never fall asleep drunk with a heating pad on.

Sand in my mouth and sun in my eyes

But, DAMN! Ya gotta love the beach.

One thing, if anything, I can say that rocks about Savannah is the beach. I have lived here all of my life. Approximately 15 minutes from Tybee Island.

You may have heard of a little movie called The Last Song with the chick that is famous for wearing a blonde wig and is also Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter. It was filmed last summer on Tybee. With all of the cameras and movie stars and groupies that come along with a movie production. Needless to say, Tybee was a little over populated last summer.

Fortunately, there are no movies or teeny bopper stars down there this year. So us locals can enjoy the beach again in all its glory.

I took a little me time a week or so ago. I packed up my lawn chair, some sunblock and a book and drove down to the beach.

It was amazing.

And I have this to prove it.



I could not imagine living in the middle of the country, far away from sand and sun and seagulls. I think I might just take another little trip this week.

Holy shit on a popsicle stick

I had NO idea that Master Wog (including his recently departed beard) was famous. WOW

Take a peepsy do at this dude. He is the bassist for an AWESOME band by the name of Five Finger Death Punch.

(Yes, that would be the bassist on the far right, yes, that one, the one with the GIGANTANORMOUS beard.)

Now, take a look at my hunnie bunnie hunk of a wonderful piece of love muffin filet mignon goodness...






Is it just me....or do you see something similar here?