I Wanna Talk About Me

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Savannah, Georgia, United States
As you can see, I am still just me. 27 years old, born and raised in Savannah, Georgia. Almost 9 years into a relationship with the man I gave my heart to. We are the proud parents of 3 dogs and 2 cats. You will see them all here, a lot. I lost my mother November 18, 2008. I am now struggling to live life without her, but I have an amazing boyfriend and fantastic friends to help me through. Oh, and Duct Tape is the best invention. EVER.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

New Hair!!!

I did it!!!! And I love it!!! YAY!!!

Oh, and go read this. It is a entertaining conversation Jess and I had this morning. Trust me, it is worth it. She just beat me to the punch.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

New Implants and Old Hair

I am going later this afternoon to get the Implanon birth control implant. I have done a shit ton of research and found it to be the best route for Wog and I. We want to have children, lots of them, just not right now. This little toothpick looking thing will provide a steady stream of hormones for 3 years. And, the best part, if we get froggy and decide we want kids in the meantime, just take the sucker out and start makin’ babies. It gets implanted, through a syringe, into the crevice under your bicep, and it stays there.

I am really excited to get this done. A very simple procedure, it takes place in the doctor’s office. I just get numbed up and BAM! The little bugger is there. If you care to know what exactly it is I am talking about, you can go here.

Also, I have decided to chop my hair off. YAY! I have had very long hair all of my life. this is where it is as of now...

And I am going to get it cut shorter than this...

But a tad longer than this...

My hair is more curly than theirs, but my stylist is the bomb (so I have heard). I am nervous, but OH SO excited!!!

Update: I just got back from the lady bits doctor with my new implant! I feel good, except for the ridiculous bandage they put on my arm. I have even inspired Master Jess to go and get her very own arm toothpick.

New hair pictures to come tomorrow!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

I sure do use a lot of commas

I saw the best and most common example of simple kindness this morning. I actually saw a young man help a little old lady across the road. The guy in the car next to mine even put on his flashers and stopped in the middle of the intersection so they could cross the street. As I sit in my car, smoking a cigarette, all I could do was smile. It kind of reminded me of the Liberty Mutual commercial. This one. Made me feel all warm and mushy inside.

I get to work all bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to drink my Slim-Fast and be all nice and shit. Then I remember the fucking gunshots a block from the house yesterday. We don’t live in any extravagant house or neighborhood. Wog (my manfriend, also know as Paul, The Bearded One, but shall now be know as Wog, Because I am too lazy to type Pollywog every time I talk about him….where the hell was I ….OH!) and I live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom house with all 7 animals. Our house is not in the greatest part of town but far from the worst. We have never had any problems with anyone. Not even the old couple or the mean lesbians have ever started poppin’ caps in each other’s asses before. Turns out the little fuckers were 16, 17 and 18 years old. Sadly, they did not actually shoot each other, but they did do some damage to a couple houses. And a tree. That poor tree. They got off about 20 rounds and then took off. Little bastards. How dare they interrupt my Sunday TV watching.

I did, however, contact my local news station (anonymously, of course) to ask if anything was going to be done about them doing this, that it wasn’t fair that they only got a slap on the wrist, a misdemeanor, and a 40oz, and if the police were just going to wait until someone was injured or killed from a stray bullet. OK, so maybe I lied about the 40. See, this is not the first time we have heard gunshots, but it was the first time they were so close to my little house. Yesterday was the first time in the 3 years we have lived there that I was scared. Luckily, Wog has a gun, a big one. And we have big dogs who look TERRIFYING and will lick anyone to death on command.

In other news...

I am considering chopping off all of my hair. I have had really long, curly hair all of my life. I think I want to chop all of it off above my shoulders. Right now it is more than halfway down my back. I am torn. I love my long hair, but I also think I sincerely need a change. Maybe I should have a pink Mohawk. Work would LOVE that.

I have a papercut on my middle finger. The coolest part about it is when I say, hey, look, I have a boo boo...well, shit, you know where I was going with that one.

Oh, and, Jess isn’t here today. And I am bored. I have no one to grope-- I mean talk to. But I did get to sniff a permanent marker briefly. That was fun.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dogs, Cats and a Bird, OH MY!

Right now, all I can think about is hot lesbian sex, because of a certain little wench and her evil, evil ways…because of this, I am going to introduce you to my animals. Officially.

This is Duke. He is my bubba. He is Bloodhound/lab (we think).He just turned 4 and he is very big and kind of stupid sometimes. Notice the black spots on his nose? When he was just a tiny baby puppy, he got very sick and came very close to dying. He recovered fully and is now just big and dumb.

This is Kane. He is 3 as of last month. And we think he is full blood Golden retriever. I call him sweet Baby Kandy Kane. He is truly a sweet heart. we rescued him from a shelter and he has been nothing but a pleasure. (Except for that whole eating poop thing)

Brace yourselves…this is Roxy. The most awesome dog EVER. She is my old lady, a 9 year old Dalmatian (runt). We thought for years she was mixed with something. Just last year our vet informed us that because of the amount and consistency of her spots, she looks to be all Dalmatian. She thinks she is human. She is so polite that she will not jump on the bed or the couch until she stares at you, your soul is stolen, and you tell her it is ok.

You previously me my gay male cats, Flea and Sid. Flea used to be very tiny. Sid used to be all white. Now they are happily in love…and all that jazz.

This is Kitty. Kitty was a stripper in her former life. Before we had her spayed she would line up the dogs and give them lap dances. She hates us now. After removing her lady bits she has gained approximately 10 pounds. Yes, she is a fat ass now. Poor thing.

Lastly, this is Redbird. I inherited him from an aunt that passed away. He is about 15 years old or so, and shows no fucking signs of kicking the bucket anytime soon. Damn. He hates me. He talks and will carry on a conversation with who ever he taunts into listening. He cusses, screams, shoots his shit and sleeps with a can on his head. Very entertaining but a huge pain in the ass. We love him still.

I will end with a few of my favorite pictures of my dog children. Just a few, I swear.

For the record, I love all of my animals (almost) equally. They drive me crazy and keep me sane. There is no better feeling than the unconditional love an animal gives you. I honestly do not think I could have made it through the last few months without them. They are my life.

Ok boys and girls, I’m off to go daydream about hot lesbians again. Damnit.

Monday, January 19, 2009

My Very 1st MeMe!!

Apparently tagging means...like, tag, your it! Or, do this shit now bitch! And there are rules? What the hell kind of Internet is this?! 10 honest things about me? Hold on kids, I WILL STOP THIS CAR.

1. I have 3 large dogs, Duke (90lb Bloodhound/Lab), Kane (80lb Golden Retriever), and my sweet baby girl Roxy (50lb Dalmatian runt). I also have 3 cats, Flea, Sid and Kitty. And Redbird. A Red Lory. He is evil.

2. My favorite movie of all time is My Fair Lady, followed very closely by Moulin Rouge. But I don't usually care for sappy chick flicks. Weird. I know.

3. I cook. A lot. And I make very strange things sometimes. Well, actually, I just throw a bunch of shit in a pot and hope for the best.

4. I make a dish dubbed Butthole Surprise. It consists of tater tots, chili, and cheese, layered and baked.

5. My mother passed away November 18, 2008. I am still having a very, very hard time dealing with it. I pretend, very well, that I am ok. But I'm really not.

6. I find myself getting more emotional about stray dogs than I do about homeless people. Or cats. Cats are whores.

7. My boyfriend has a 16 inch beard, and he's bald, by choice. Freak of nature he is.

8. I can watch reruns of House M.D. any day. All day. I love it. I also just found out I missed the new House last night. Jessica made me watch Intervention. Hooker.

9. I am a type 2 diabetic. I take at least 3 insulin shots a day and check my blood sugar between 5 and 10 times a day. I recently came out of the denial stage when my mom passed away from complications from diabetes. I am trying hard to not follow the same path she did.

10. I love my job. I was recently promoted to Legal Assistant from receptionist. I have been here for 3 years and could not ask for more. I love my boss and the people I work with.

And now moving on to more important things, it is time for the morning poop talk and smoke break.

But first, Jessica gave me this award the other day. Thanks Hookercheese!!!

Happy Inauguration Day!!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Do Not Mess With My Bacon

I wrote this back in August, but I felt that my new friends should know....

I was flipping through the channels last night to find something interesting or in the least bit entertaining last night to watch before my usual Monday night guilty pleasure, Intervention, when I happened upon QVC. Now don't get me wrong, I can sit and watching the mind numbing home shopping network for at least an hour (before I catch myself and realize I am behaving like a 70 year old woman) and then turn the channel. Last night was different. I was totally mind fucked by Savannah's own Paula Deen. Not until last night did I realize just how much I despise this woman, and her little restaurant too. I cannot put my finger on exactly what it is I hate about her. The fact that she said, REPEATEDLY, that you can't buy Smithfield Bacon in the store. BULLSHIT WOMAN, you can buy it at Food Lion, or Kroger, Or Piggly Wiggly. For the record you can go here to see where in your neck of the woods you can purchase it. Or the fact that she talks like some hybrid blue haired hillbilly from hell.

*I would like to add that I am from Savannah, born and bred. I say ya'll. But I do NOT talk like that. Neither does anyone in my family. Or anyone I work with. Or, in fact, anyone else IN SAVANNAH*

Maybe it was the fact that her macaroni and cheese was almost $50 for 6lbs (Stouffers anyone?) because it has the mark of the beast (in this case the mark of the beast is Lady and Sons brand). Maybe it is because she is a hybrid blue haired hillbilly from hell that runs on butter, batter and bacon grease. I can't stand her. And if I hear her say 'Hey ya'll, I'm Paula Deen!' One more mother fucking time I am going to stab myself in the eye with a plastic spork.
Just thought the world should know.


Let's not forget this either. She is out to rule the world and kill us all.

I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

I had full intention of writing this morning and introducing my children. All 7 of them. But as I was getting ready to leave the house this morning, I saw something life changing. I could not believe I was actually witnessing this.

How did it happen?

How could they do this?

What about the girl?

Will they ever stop lying to the rest of the family?

What will his brothers think?

But, as I sit here, I realize, not everything is as bad as it seems. Sometimes, love can be found in the strangest places. Like on top of electronics. Yes people, my two male cats, are totally in love.

Meet Fleamus and Sidious Maximus.

*Kitty, the female, was not available for photographs this morning. She was so distraught over the boys' love she hid under the bed, we asked her to comment and all she would say is "I'm not fat!''She really is. Although no one has the heart to tell her to her face.

This is after they were caught. Aren't they sickening?

I have a very interesting post coming titled Corn: The Body's Cockroach. Thanks Brad.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Oh where to begin...

The other day I found myself sincerely needing a vent (that wasn’t my poor, bearded boyfriend). Today, with the encouragement of a few friends, I found it. So here the fuck I am. Deal with it.

I am Larkin. 24. I have lived in the beautifully pathetic city of Savannah my entire life. I despise Paula Deen. You will not convince me otherwise, so don’t even try. I am happily un-married to my boyfriend of over 5 years, Paul. But most importantly, we have 3 dogs, 3 cats and a parrot that is evil and hates me.

I have several best friends, who mean the world to me. We usually get drunk and try to fix each others problems. Or just play board games or watch American Idol. Or sing karaoke. Or play Rock Band. Or whatever else tickles our pickle at the time.

But the root of my problem lies with the fact that I recently lost my mother. She was my heart. My best friend. And now I am struggling with moving on with my life. She was diabetic, as am I. I am trying to not follow the path she did. She was only 46. I know there is a better route for me. I start it now...