Dear So and So...I said PLEASE

My very first Dear So and So...


It is all Kat's fault


Dear Tummy,

PLEASE stop making that awful sound. I understand that you are angry because all I give you is ground turkey. But it is better for you. Get over it.

Healthy and Hungry,
Larkin
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Dear Lost Dog I Saw on the Way to Work,

PLEASE find your way home, and be sure to look both ways before crossing the street.

Worried about my furry friend,
Larkin
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Dear Fruit Flies,

PLEASE leave my house now, and you will not be harmed. I have already purchased the poison and if you are still there when I get home from work, your entire species will be eradicated. I mean it. You will be kilt-dead on spot.

Annoyed Homeowner,
Larkin
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Dear Brothers of Master Wog,

PLEASE come finish our roof. It is only the front and will only take half a day to finish. I really want to paint the shutters and front door this weekend but Master Wog insists on finishing things before I start new things. You are holding me up. And I want my damn red door. Get a move on.

Annoyed Homeowner,
Larkin
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Dear HBO,

PLEASE make a new Real Sex. If I have to sit through adult baby fetishes and masterbateathons just to get to the hot fire dance people one more time---I might puke.

Your loyal fan since 1991,
Larkin

P.S. Also, please stop leaving Master Wog and I hanging at the end of EVERY Trueblood episode. It stinks.
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Dear Termites,

GO AWAY NOW. Please? We just can't afford to kill your ENTIRE family. Please go eat the next door neighbor's house. They need some excitement.

Annoyed Homeowner and Neighbor,
Larkin
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