Holy Lizard Spit, Batman!!

Leave it to Paula Deen to bring me back into the blogging world. Some of you may remember this post I wrote a while ago about how much I DESPISE PAULA DEEN. I respect her as a business woman (sort of) but despise the way that she portrays herself (as a blue haired alien who talks like Scarlett and eats only butter, lard and the hearts of little puppies). And now she has announced she is a type 2 diabetic. FOR REAL??? Nah!! You mean those Krispy Kreme sandwiches ARE NOT healthy?? This is not only a big deal for me because I am a type 2 diabetic, but because my mother was too. Diabetes is a huge part of my life, hell, it IS my life. I’m pissed that she waited this long (3 years) to come forward with her disease. Now some of you might argue that even though she is a celebrity, she is entitled to her privacy. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Had she been promoting a healthy lifestyle and that aforementioned sandwich was on wheat bread, I may not feel the same. But because of the lifestyle and food she was promoting, and (to a point) convincing the rest of the world we are all blue haired aliens who talk like Scarlett and eats only butter, lard and the hearts of little puppies, I’m angry with her. Don’t even get me started on her drug endorsement…

Now, to the important shit I actually wanted to tell you…

After watching my mother lose her battle in 2008 from this disease I hit a point in my life in November where I knew I had to make a decision. Am I going to take care of myself, like I should, and live a long healthy life? Or am I going to do what my mother did and slowly wither away after years of uncontrolled diabetes. Well that ain’t gonna fucking happen.

As of December 1^st, I have lost 22lbs. I watch what I eat. I changed medications and I have limited my alcohol intake to 2 – 3 days a week. I stopped taking insulin and started a new medication, Byetta, in the beginning of December. I am sure you are all, please Larkin, tell me more!!! Funny you should ask, because I am about to pimp the shit out of this diabetes drug.

Byetta is not insulin. If you’d like to read what it REALLY is, you can go here. I am going to tell you what I understand about it. It was developed from the saliva of the Gila Monster. Some awesome scientist somewhere said to themselves, “hmm, the Gila only eats once every few months, so surely something makes his food digest slowly and makes it possible that the lizard survives…hmmm…” Because of this, it is sometimes referred to as "Lizard Spit" which I think is just fucking awesome. I inject it twice daily, up to an hour before each meal. The really cool part, it makes my pancreas work. It actually makes my body produce my own insulin (rather than injecting myself with insulin before each meal, like I did for years). It has aided in me losing weight and will continue to do so. The only negative side effect: Nausea and the occasional bad headache. I have projectile vomited several times. But it really takes some getting used to. And I have had to teach myself what I can and cannot eat on this drug. I have experienced blood sugar that is a little higher than I would like, but that all seems to be calming down and everything on track.

And on that note, I leave you with this… a gift of EPIC proportions, from the awesome Jess.

What did you get from work for Christmas?

I bet you didn't get Jesus themed generic chocolate candy from a very strange (but very nice...in a very scary overzealous Christianly kind of way) co-worker.....

I DID.

Also, in my little bag-o-goodies was this adorable little jar, complete with a top reading "Pour toi avec amour" (translated "for you with love"). Too bad I don't have that horrible cocaine addiction anymore, this would have been PERFECT for my mirror!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I am not. I just like making fun of people who think I am evil because I have tattoos and enjoy drinking adult beverages with gay people with tattoos and I say 'FUCK YOU ASSHAT' a lot.

Happy Holidays!!!!

Oh no she didn't...

Well, HELLO there! I know it has been a hot minute since I have written but I have good reason. I HAVE A JOB!!! I started back in June, and today makes my 6 month mark with them. I’m at another law firm in Downtown Savannah. Except this time I have an AWESOME view, sadly though, not hot lesbian to take smoke breaks with. On the 13th floor (yes, 13, no, they didn't ‘take out the 13th floor’ as my brother-in-law thought…fucking idiot).

Windows on one side face east, down the Savannah River toward Tybee Island.

And the other windows face south toward Savannah. The bird is my friend Craven (named because Jessica and I couldn’t decide if he was a Crow or a Raven, hence Craven).

In other news…Catie (the sister/cousin) FINALLY got married. They have been together for 8 years and have a beautiful baby girl, Brooklyn (the little milk chocolate bundle of adorableness standing in front of the Bride). And no, we did not kidnap some random young black girl, that is one of the Groom’s nieces. (That's me, just to the right of the Bride, I was the Maid of Honor).

Master Wog and I still going strong. Just celebrated our 7th anniversary last month. AND he got contacts and a NORMAL beard. So handsome.

Last month also marked the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s death. And today would have been her 49th birthday. It has been rough, but I know she is probably dry humping Patrick Swayze right now, so my mind is at ease.

We also lost one of our cats back in July. We had no choice but to put Flea down. But I am positive that Mom is taking care of him (in between Swayze humpings, of course). This is my most favorite picture of Flea, he was sunning in my reading chair.)

Other than all of that, we took in a stray in June. And by stray I mean my forty something unemployed uncle. At first it was lovely, he helps cook and clean, BUT he has a move out deadline of December 30th. We can’t take it anymore. No extra play money, and there is always, ALWAYS a third wheel. How in the hell are Master Wog and I supposed to boink in the living room in front of the fireplace like savages if there is a grown man sitting there watching the National Geographic Channel and insisting that he knows a guy who knew a guy who was in Africa and killed the mother of the elephant that was just on TV with a sling shot from 100 yards away... Right...mmmhmmm...sure...

I sure do miss sharing all of my drunken, stupid, meaningless, idiotic and HI-larious stories with ya'll. My goal is to return like I never left. So, here I am!!!! Now buy me a drink.

TAG!!! I'm it!

It seems that Jess tagged me.

The Tag? "What have been your fashion faux pas?"

ME?!?! NO!! I have NEVER made a fashion faux pas. Ok, well maybe that one time...

As Jess said, I do enjoy fashion. but not in the crazy skinny model wearing a grizzly bear with a top hat and holding a golf club kinda fashion. I just pay attention to what I am wearing. I like to coordinate. I like to make sure that everything is tucked in and where it needs to be.

I searched through my computer for proof of any fashion fuck up....I found these.

I may have reconsidered this flowery dress, but I have a feeling mom would have bitch slapped me for questioning her floral judgment. For fuck's sake it was 1995.

(I am second row from the bottom, second from the left. Yes, that one.)

And then I found this. If my boob wasn't being attacked, I may have reconsidered this rainbow tube top. But then again, I wore it for the Gay Pride Festival in Savannah.

One thing I will never reconsider wearing is this shirt right here. Just in case you can't read it, It says 'HONORARY LESBIAN'

Yessir.

The Burn: 1 Year Later

March 27th marked one year since my heating pad tried to kill me.

Some of you may remember this post.

And this one. (Queasy tummies BEWARE, it aint pretty).

Or maybe this one: (Again, BEWARE).

And I think this is the last one I posted of my dear Burney.

The burn healed sometime at the end of July. I then lost my job in August, therefore, fell off the radar.

It has since been a little over a year since my leg healed. Behold, the scar.

A little size comparison for your eyehole.

Now, go sit and think about that. Any why you should never fall asleep drunk with a heating pad on.

Sand in my mouth and sun in my eyes

But, DAMN! Ya gotta love the beach.

One thing, if anything, I can say that rocks about Savannah is the beach. I have lived here all of my life. Approximately 15 minutes from Tybee Island.

You may have heard of a little movie called The Last Song with the chick that is famous for wearing a blonde wig and is also Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter. It was filmed last summer on Tybee. With all of the cameras and movie stars and groupies that come along with a movie production. Needless to say, Tybee was a little over populated last summer.

Fortunately, there are no movies or teeny bopper stars down there this year. So us locals can enjoy the beach again in all its glory.

I took a little me time a week or so ago. I packed up my lawn chair, some sunblock and a book and drove down to the beach.

It was amazing.

And I have this to prove it.



I could not imagine living in the middle of the country, far away from sand and sun and seagulls. I think I might just take another little trip this week.

Holy shit on a popsicle stick

I had NO idea that Master Wog (including his recently departed beard) was famous. WOW

Take a peepsy do at this dude. He is the bassist for an AWESOME band by the name of Five Finger Death Punch.

(Yes, that would be the bassist on the far right, yes, that one, the one with the GIGANTANORMOUS beard.)

Now, take a look at my hunnie bunnie hunk of a wonderful piece of love muffin filet mignon goodness...






Is it just me....or do you see something similar here?

For Kat

Over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow.

This is proof that Kitty wants Jessica....dead or alive.



And (not so much for Kat, but more for me and my paparazzi like obsession of taking random meaningless pictures of my animals).

THIS is proof that my dogs are FUCKING adorable.






Stick that in your pickle and love on it.

I don't even know where to start...

I am such a damn slacker. I have had sooooooooooooo many things to write about but just don't get to the computer in time and then I forget my brilliant (and hilarious) topic.

Dammit.

The most recent event was St. Patrick's Day in Savannah with Jess and Co. But you can go here and read about all of our shenanigans.

Although, I did take a few pictures for Captain Dumbass....

If I remember correctly, he kinda has a thing for storm troopers. We were all walking back to the car to refill our beers and I happened across this wonder...

Mad props to whoever did that. I giggled my ass off. Such detail. Such creativity.

I have approximately 267 MORE pictures from the St. Pat's parade and the drunken debauchery that went on late in the evening. But I won't make you look at them.

Other than that, I haven't really been up to much of anything. Still unemployed. Still watching CSI reruns on Spike.

Anywho, I just felt the need to share those few amazing pictures with you. Oh, and this one.

Just to leave you with a wee bit of cuteness for your ass.

Happy Birthday Booboo

So what, I am like...2...3...5 days late. But WTFever.

Ya'll may remember early last year, this post about my new cousin, Brooklyn.

On February 5, she turned 1. WOW. I cannot believe she is a whole year old.

Her party was this past Saturday. Catie and I decorated. And may I just say that decorating with a one year old is NOT FUCKING FUN. But we did it. And it turned out really great. But, I must share this wee bitty funny with you...

Poor Catie was so stressed, we were behind schedule. Brad (the fiance and father) went to pick up the cakes and food and stuff, so we were left with Brooklyn. We finished with the tables and streamers and everything, then we started blowing up balloons. After about the 40th balloon, Catie starts tying string to them. Then lets it go. She looks at me, positively HORRIFIED and says, "Why are they not staying up?! I need them to stay up!!" I just looked at her, completely speechless. Then her eyes started to tear up a little bit (mind you, she was QUITE stressed about the party) I said, "Caycay, you have to have helium if you want them to 'stay up'." Then I couldn't help it, I burst into laughter and she started laughing. We ended up taping and tying them to the walls. It worked. What can I say.

She will NEVER live that down.

I love you Catie. hehe...







And because I am so proud of how beautiful she is...here are a few more pictures of her...

...Already teaching Daddy how to drive...

...Walking with her Grandpa...

...Learning how to fix a four wheeler...

...And trying to poop.

An Era Has Ended

Last night, an important being in American history was laid to rest. You all may remember my lovely almost husband, Master Wog.



Don't worry, I didn't kill him. His beard, on the other hand, has gone home to be with tiny baby Jesus Mario.





I tried to see what Kane would look like with a beard.




I almost forgot how handsome he is. When he smiles. I must point out that by this point, he was telling me to stop taking pictures, so he refused to smile. Don't worry, I will be sure to pimp him out as soon as possible.

Wordless Wednesday

Because it IS still technically Wednesday.

Cleanliness is next to Goodwill, as long as you have trashbags

My aura has been cleansed! Thanks to my loverly friend Jess, my bedroom now looks more like a bedroom rather than a room at Goodwill.

I haven't done a complete clothes closet cleansing in approximately 4 years. WOW. So far, between Master Wog and I, there are 4 HUGE black trash bags SLAP FULL of clothes going to Goodwill. The best part, I haven't even gotten to the fucking closet yet. All of that was from drawers and stray shit that just got shoved into crevices in the black pit of house that is our bedroom.

I figured a good cleansing was necessary. See, what had happened was...my closet kind of....how do I put it....committed closet suicide.

We had one of those gangster wire organizers in there. Similar to this.


I was preparing to take a shower a couple weeks ago by picking out what I was going to put on. Standing in front of my closet, I pulled a shirt off a hanger...the whole fucking thing fell. Just flop. The top shelf was now on top of the shiton of shit that used to be a semi organized chaotic clusterfuck of shit. Mind you, this mofo was full. Absolutely NO space to hang or shelf space. No wall space, as a matter of fact. Strangely though, in my half awake daze of what-the-fuck-just-happened, my immediate thought was, 'Damn, I hope there wasn't a cat in there.'

I broke down this weekend and bought a new closet organizer. And beer to help me install it.

I begged and pleaded with Jess (ok, so I just asked her) to let me abuse her amazing organizational skills. And with a case o'beer and about 12 trash bags, we slowly made our way toward the closet. She helped me go through both my dresser and Master Wog's. Now, I am taking a break from going through all of the clothes and clutter on the floor of the closet. Holy shit, what was I thinking?

Hopefully I won't find a bogeyman.

Or a cat.

I've been through the desert on a horse named Miller Lite

Well HI!! Here I am!

Wow, it sure has been a hot minute since I blogged, but I have an excuse...

Ok, not so much. I have just been sleeping in A LOT and rarely getting on the computer. So, Let's see...what's new in the world that is mine...

I bought this magnificent piece of floor decor for my cats to shit in.


I have been a jewelry making fool! I haven't sold anything, but have given several sets away as gifts. But I've found that I really enjoy making jewelry. I guess it is better than drinking, right?
This one I made from two different necklaces I owned that I accidentally popped in a semi-drunken stupor.
The newest. Made specifically for me.
I have dubbed this one "Space Balls", although I'm not really sure why.

The one above being one of my most favorite (hence the smiley face and 'L' charm.)

Love this. I call it my Zebra Balls when I wear it.
Red "Space Balls".






Kane was trying to help me get the necklace in position.


My leg is still healed. I opted out of taking a picture of the scar tonight because I had already showered and didn't shave. And I'm being too lazy to get up and fix another mixed drink much less go shave half of one leg. So maybe tomorrow.

What else, what else....OH! I still don't have a fucking job, but the Georgia Department of Labor is being quite kind to me.

Last month was realllllly tough. I went through the 6th anniversary of the death of my cousin. Master Wog and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. Six years since mom lost her leg, and last but certainly not least, November 18th was one year since I lost my mom.

Monday, December 7th, would have been her 48th birthday.

Needless to say, I was in a deep dark whole for the better (or worst) part of November. BUT, my 25th birthday is next week. One quarter century I have lived through. I am hoping to get completely shitfaced. I'm sure with my friends that can be managed.

I promise to actually make an attempt to keep up with this damn blog now. I have so much to tell, and so little brain room to remember it.